The subject of doing vs. being has been weighing down on me for a couple of months now. At the end of April I decided to fast because I really did not want to “do” anything…even eat! It was my desire to just be. The fast came about because I recalled how fasting has always made me feel….kind of like I was in a constant state of meditation.
Well, that is how all PAST fasts made me feel. During this fast I was GRUMPY and in pain, and sad, and angry. It took me 10 entire days to start feeling that real high that comes along with fasting…And I only fasted for 3 days after that because of prior commitments….Prior FOOD eating commitments that I wanted to participate in.
Before making the decision to fast I was a bit ferklempt about my overall state of being. There was no apparent reason for this state of confusion and emotional disquiet. I could not put my finger on what I was fighting with… I do however, know that I was lacking.
Lacking what you may ask? Well… motivation for one thing, I had not a desire to DO anything. I was working on bare minimum….Home, work, home. What were my desires? What did I want to find the motivation to do? Well…yoga, exercise, write, create… hell finish my bedroom makeover that I started back in January!!
Hoping the fast would help I entered a period of stillness and during that time the question of motivation kept arising. What was this lack of motivation, why were my desires not on par with my actions…My head said GO! DO! My body said Hell NO! Then I came across a quote from my favorite group of spirits: ABRAHAM
“Inspiration comes forth from within. It’s what the light burning within you is about, as opposed to motivation, which is doing it because if you don’t do it, there will be negative repercussions. Motivation is making myself do something that I don’t really want to do. Inspiration is having the clear picture of what I am wanting –and letting Universal forces come into play to the outcome.”
It’s the difference between being motivated from a place of fear as opposed to a place of love.
During this time of silence I also pondered on a period in my life that, while I was living it seemed like my darkest of days. In hindsight I look back upon it as one of the “BEST” periods…the personal things that make me feel good, yoga, meditation, connection with friends where top priority. All these things were easy to do, easy to keep up with because of my motivation.
At the time I was surrounded by sickness, death, and deceit. Like anyone would under these circumstances, I was working HARD to ensure that the world crumbling around me would not take me down with it. It was from “fear” of what might happen, that kept me motivated. My, “Quest for healing was a defense against suffering.” (The Wisdom of Yoga pg 8). I read that in an excerpt from a book that one of my favorite blogger’s, Blisschick, is currently featuring a book study on.
It was the kind of message that touched me to the core. Is my quest for knowledge, healing, spiritual growth a mechanism to run from pain or a journey that I embrace enthusiastically and joyfully with eager anticipation of each minute?
I can honestly say at all times, it is not always the latter. Am I still suffering from fear of suffering? Am I running from fears or joyfully moving towards love?
Helen Blavatsky from The Voice of Silence, “Silence thy thoughts and fix thy whole attention on thy Master whom yet thou dost not see, but whom thou feelest.” This is the place I believe I’ll find the answer.
Hmmm….good to be back and to be inspired. The photo was taken at Baltimore's American Visionary Arts Museum a place that I've been "meaning to visit" forever. I was inspired to do a mosaic piece for my bedroom. Yesterday, I took a walk over to Federal Hill during my lunch hour for further inspiration and wow. If you've never been there you need to take a look! www.avam.org