This is something that sticks with me to this very day….last weekend for example…I was in a cab with my cousin and a friend , the driver was winding his way around the streets of Key West, taking us from the brightly lit and crowded roads near the infamous Duval Street back over to our remotely located hotel. As the…okay I am at a loss for words here…on the description of the driver. Key West, as Chelle put it….is like a town full of vagabonds or misfits…each with his or her own starting over story…okay I digress, this particular cab driver was a bit weirder than the rest…and he kept bringing up weird topics like Tom Hoosier??? Being a black man and it was sad no one knew and the roots of Christianity in the south, what residents of Key West thought about the slave trade….you see where I’m going with this.
As I began to tune him out, I tuned into my surroundings, yes there were some dark and winding roads near the Sheraton, and YES no matter how weird or freaky this conversation was getting….the main goal was still on track…we were on our way to our hotel….I could tell by the sign posts, that we were headed in the right direction. We were not, at least not this go round, going to wind up on the news! Three travelers from Baltimore, Maryland-- missing in Key West.
I knew the way home and knew for certain that is where I was headed. Which finally brings me around to the main topic…some things don’t change, yes….I am still a bit long winded. I am not feeling at home right now. Well maybe for at least the last year, year and a half I have not been feeling much at home….hmm that was around the time that I stopped writing on a daily basis….it’s when I stopped writing this blog! But that is the topic for another entry that just came to me. Here and now I want to talk about getting home, feeling at home, at rest, at peace, at Ease!
2006/2007 were two of my best and worst years prospectively. Facing death never gets easier, but just when you think you have a new approach to handling it, life says oh yea,..okay well take this also! And that while we are at it!! I felt like I was a catcher standing behind home base….okay one out….good, next ball a bit crazy, but I caught it…out! Hey wait a minute, that one hit me!! Foul! That hurt, there is a penalty for hitting the catcher and so it was, that through that trying time I found my way back home.
My main resource was yoga….never took it so serious before then. But it! The practice of it….took me home in a way that I have never been before. It was the most comfortable place in my life….my body, my mind, my soul……when I found the practice I was in a state of mental and physical despair….and following the practice was in the beginning a desperate affair.
When I opened my eyes in the morning and fell to the floor on my mat, it was out of sheer desperation. I was trying to find my way out of pain, mental pain so fierce that it racked my entire physical self. Gradually, as I came back to me….I realized that there was so much there…the mat no longer represented relief from something that I was running from, but a yearning to commune with something that I was running to….I had understood this conceptually in the past, but now through this practice I understood it literally! I felt it, I felt me, I felt my body, and it felt like home…out of despair came triumph and wisdom….and a level of comfort that I had never….Ever experienced before inside this body of mine…we were at peace!
BUT, I walked out again. First I started taking little short journeys away from me, but I found my way back on my mat….then one day….I wish I could pin point when….I walked off and kept going. I did turn around and watch, but it was almost as if I knew I was wandering around and getting lost, but instead of following the path back….I kept drifting… even with my dad’s voice ringing in my ear…Jenny…Jenny always remember look where you are going so you can always find your way back home, I let myself drift.,
I guess it is fitting that I found myself in the town of Key West….the town of misfits and drifters….people looking to start over. For it was in this very spot that I started to look around and ignore the sound of the voice that said….it’s okay if you go a bit further away, you know how to get back….and began listening again to the one that calls….here’s the problem….
I know how to find my way back from despair, I know how to be at the brink at the edge and to stand my ground on my way home….my problem is finding my way back, when there is really no panic, no immediate alarm…..I’m just drifting floating if you will, but I am feeling the yearning to take control, reconnect to find my way back home….no big dramatic, life threatening, mind blowing reason needed….just starting from where I stand today….I want to find my way back home.
Lifeis: About feeling comfortable in your surroundings, feeling at home in your space, place and your own body.
Today I am thankful for feelings of familiarity; they sometimes awaken an urge in us to return home.